Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.