GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
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My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.