I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka