[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”