I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?