wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant