What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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At an art museum and I thought this was art
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.