“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
next level snooze
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
asking santa clause for nudes
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.