If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
this makes me so uncomfortable
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
He wanted to make sure😂