Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Knock Knock
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”