3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.