Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.