Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
My first son he is wonderful
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
A charcuterie board is just dry soup