burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
awkward
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either