the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn