I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
😂💯
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.