LMAO
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.