My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Am I having a stroke?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.