You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]