20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.