My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Shower sex be like:
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Möther may I have a snäck
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*