Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
You Might Also Like
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Writing, She Murdered.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen