You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
work smarter, not harder
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii