Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
pep talk
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Brilliant!
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER: