I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.