Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Customize Your Wedding.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”