*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”