couldn’t resist
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
“What?”
– Jude
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder