man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.