Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?