“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Butt weight. There’s more!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.