You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
OH. COME. ON.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.