If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding