One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.