They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
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My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
For those that worship cheese..
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
May never get over this
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?