PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
screw you
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Encore…
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops