Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi