shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
You Might Also Like
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994