who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.