Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?