Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.