9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Only a mother’s love …
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.