Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi