[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
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Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Oh my God.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.