“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life