went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
anyone else like Italian cereal
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.