This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
There鈥檚 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I鈥橵E BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Rock paper scissors but it鈥檚 just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven鈥檛 pushed everything off it yet. you can鈥檛.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is鈥OOOO LOOK OREO鈥檚
I鈥檓 my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I鈥檇 always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Government: You owe us money. It鈥檚 called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov鈥檛: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov鈥檛: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov鈥檛: You go to prison
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.