My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
How dude HOW?!
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.