Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
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Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.