Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
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[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate